Essential Insights for a Lasting Marriage

To listen to this week's podcast click here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2324960/episodes/16187535-essential-insights-for-a-lasting-marriage-episode-36.mp3?download=true

So, you are married. What comes next? How do you stay together for the long haul—shouldn't that be the ultimate goal of every marriage?   Well, this is the focus of the final session in Wil Lake's book, Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together, titled "Staying Together."

Today is going to be quick with a down-n-dirty examination a 50-year marriage that should have never made it! A marriage that was a hot mess and that hot with a capital "H." and the lessons learned from it. 

The marriage of Bob & Stacia.

Now, Bob & Stacia met in the 7th grade. They attended the same high school and church and fell in love while in the youth group together. They got married at nineteen, and by the time they turned 26, they had two sons and a daughter. Now, twelve years in, everything started to go downhill quickly. Bob was emotionally detached, and Staci had a lot of inner brokenness from past sexual abuse. Bob believed his role was the provider, and Stacia's role was the homemaker, and as long as they were fulfilling those roles, all should be well. The real problem was Bob couldn't handle Stacia's emotional needs and well, Stacia found someone who could. Thus, began years of heartache, multiple affairs, and filing for divorce not once but twice!

To Bob's credit, he did try to seek counseling from the pastor who married them. Yet, when they completed the counseling assessments, and the pastor reviewed their results, he was quick to let Bob know that based upon the results, had he known it back then, he would have never married them and even canceled the counseling session, saying that their marriage was beyond repair! Yikes!

Finally, Bob and Stacia are on the cusp of signing their final divorce papers, with Bob attending from his house on a conference call while their daughter is in the background practicing her flute. Now, why is this detail important?    Well, right when Stacia was to sign her divorce paperwork- she hesitated, asking if it was too late to change her mind. You see, the night before, Bob's church asked the elders to pray that their marriage would be healed and restored, and at that very moment, as Stacia was getting ready to put pen to the paper - she heard her daughter playing the flute and realized that if they went through this divorce, she would miss seeing her kids grow up through their teenage years- she had a revelation of what their family would like-and it was broken.

The divorce papers were left unsigned and Bob and Stacia were determined to make things work. They were finally able to get Godly counseling and learned how to love each other and deal with conflict in a way that brought them together! They credit God and the couple who mentored them in the church. With the power of forgiveness and willingness to do the necessary work to pull their marriage from the brink of divorce is their testimony to how God can redeem and restore even the most damaged of marriages. Their marriage has lasted over 50 years and better than ever!

And here's what they would tell you are the secrets to their success:

1. Take responsibility for your own hurts and get healing! Everyone needs help, as we've all fallen short and had things happen to us or things spoken over us that shape us, influence us—for the good and the bad. When you have two healed people, you have a healthy couple.  It’s those that live in denial are the ones that stay in a cycle of hurt- the same old arguments over and over.  The same angry outbursts.   Like a broken record.

2. Get good advice. Find a skilled marriage counselor or mentor to help you develop a specific action plan. Having someone outside your marriage who can help keep you accountable is huge! I love this quote from the author-"Change comes by doing, not by desiring. Desiring is dreaming. Doing is change."

3. See the next generation. Staci awoke to the reality of what divorce would do to her children. Society tells the lie that you can divorce amicably and all will be well in the world—the kids will adjust. But that simply is not true. Divorce always brings brokenness—a family divided.  Furthermore, it creates a generational stronghold. You can count on it- divorce will rear its ugly head in future generations!

4. Get your ego out of the way! It takes humility to admit faults. Remember, there are always two sides to the story; it takes two to tango- it takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. You can't change your spouse, but you can change yourself!

5. Have a ton of humor! Learning to laugh together no matter the circumstances is essential. Laughter really is sometimes the best medicine! You bring in laughter and joy, and life is just better. Scripture even tells us there is a time to weep and a time to laugh and rejoice!  Make time for laughter!  

6. Remember that every part of your life flows into your marriage. Everything you do, be it work, ministry, hobbies, fun, etc., it all flows into and impacts your marriage.  Same with the people you allow in your inner circle!  If you spend more time and prioritize other people and things above your marriage, you can best believe your marriage will suffer for it!  It is crucial that you prioritize and protect your marriage!

This book has been immensely helpful to me personally and has opened my eyes to some areas that I need to improve upon. This year, in particular, I've had to step down from certain ministries so that I can prioritize my husband and his needs. You know what? I don't regret it in the least. It doesn't make me the "weaker sex;" it makes me a wise woman who loves God, loves her husband, and loves her family.

So, ladies, I hope these sessions on marriage have been helpful because when you find your "togetherness groove" and persevere, marriage is like fine wine—it will get better with age! Experience it together, and don't sell yourself short looking for the exit sign! Future generations depend upon it!